"Hello. Can't work today, still queer."

If being homosexual was a curse, we'd all be calling in sick to work!

There's been a lot of publicity over homosexuality recently. More and more young guys and girls who battle with their sexuality and the stereotypes they're faced with, are ending their lives prematurely. When you first start to realise you're gay you've got so much going on, if you tell someone, you risk them taking it the wrong way, outing you, and you're in a potentially worse position than if you'd bottled it.

When I was younger, I always got on with girls better than guys and never played football. However, I had a huge crush on a girl in my year, and if I remember correctly I'd managed to get her to go out with me for quite a while. This was back in Primary School so it was strictly U-Rated, I think we may have briefly brushed lips this one time when we both tripped up, but it's ok! I got myself checked for Cooties!

I remember I was often taunted for being gay when I got into my final years of Primary school. I didn't understand why and this really upset me. I began to create negative connotations of homosexuality from the way I was treated. Then years later, when Puberty grabbed my by the throat and hurled me into a new world of sexual desires for well... guys.

This was utterly terrifying. Do you know what it's like to have unrestricted access to the internet and tentatively search Google images for 'naked men'? I'll tell you, it's odd. It's even more odd getting an erection over it... and then searching 'Cocks'. I don't mind telling you there was a moment of relief where I found I didn't have an erection over a Cockerel, damn Strict Filtering Tool!

My first wank was over the homepage of GaySuperCocks. Just saying it reminds me of how I felt, that curious excitement of seeing someone elses cock. I remember I sat in the toilet for 20 minutes afterwards praying to God, pleading with him to not let me be gay. 'It's just a phase,' I told myself, 'Everyone guy does it, morbid curiosity, right?!' No. Not right. I WISH someone had been there to tell me that it's not something to be afraid of. Because it's not.

The first person I came out to was my best friend named Chris. It was less of a coming out and more of a 'I really like you, I'm not entirely sure why...but... kinda... do you feel these feelings to... do you... er....' yeah... Then he guessed what I was getting at. I was very fortunate in that he laughed it off, didn't take offence nor did he take a bat to my face, Hoorah! He became my confidante, a rock that helped me manage my double life. Then I told my female best friend, I don't think I handled it as well as she did. I sent her a text saying, 'I've got something to tell you, and I really don't want it to affect our friendship.' Just recently she confessed that she was worried I was going to confess my love for her! But she was thrilled for me, she understood the step I'd taken and was proud of herself that she'd made me feel comfortable enough to tell her.

And the rest they say, is history. Now, I've accepted my sexuality as part of my life, I'm happy. I'm comfortable. I've heard people say, 'You've changed since you came out.' Well, of course I have, I can be me, I can be comfortable around people. My double life is no more. I am who I am, and if you don't like it, you don't deserve to be a part of my life. As they say, Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.

"Homosexuality is god's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."

A Puzzle... One Piece Short.

Do you ever feel like your life is a puzzle? You can often see what you're aiming for, the image on the front of the box... An advert, displaying what your success can look like. Days, months, years in the making... All for that one promise. But what doesn't it show? The hard work that can go into it? The feeling of worth, satisfaction and pride that such a beautiful event or moment has occurred because of your own hard work and determination?

Well, I'll stop the riddles... At the moment I feel that the image I can see is missing a piece... I might not even have all the pieces I need to create the image I need to reach... Which is highly frustrating.

Unfortunately, this is most likely a Larkinist idea. The idea that No matter how much work you put in, it's never going to fulfil the promise of what you expected to see...

I've kind of forgotten what I wanted to achieve from writing this post, which is infuriating. So.... What I'll do, is just write. I do it enough on twitter, but I expect this to have a little more volume...

• I have a short attention span. I cannot help it, but I just get really bored. Some call it lazy (my mother). I'll often start writing a post, and about 10 minutes later, I'll be bored and I'll start youtube video hopping.
• I'm an emotional-mess sometimes. But I try not to dwell on it, otherwise I'll never cheer up
• You probably won't know what I mean by cheer down... but there are times when I just have so much energy that I feel fit to burst... I need an appropriate outlet for it...so I need to level myself out, to a normal point...
• The scene in Mr And Mrs Smith where they fight and they then make love, is one of my most favourite scenes... EVER...

The reason I love it so much is because it's so passionate (probably because there was as much off-screen heat between BrAngelina as there was on! OUCH... BURN!)

I feel I should be doing something... I have the fire in my belly and it feels like I've poured petrol on it... But I cannot see what I can put it towards... As I'm ridiculously short of attention.

Life and Death.

Anyone who follows me on Twitter might have noticed one or two slightly odd tweets earlier on this week. I didn't reveal it on twitter because I've never been one to post R.I.P type tweets. However, I need an outlet, and this seems appropriate...Sort of.

On Saturday 22nd of May 2010, a good friend of mine was involved in a car accident. He didn't make it. He's the oldest friend I have, he has a main part in my first memories. We were inseparable as children. We met before Playschool as my parents and his knew eachother somehow. In Playschool we spent every day together. He went into the year above me at Primary School. My first day came, 'Year 1', and I was terrified, my mother left me there to make my own friends and get on with my education and I was in tears. In his usual manner, he comforted me, and took my fears away, without making me feel stupid for having them.

However, he left soon after that and moved to Spain, we lost touch. He returned in year 10, we became close friends again, and he hadn't changed. His humour was the same, he was the same gentle caring guy, he was the same guy who took my fears away on my first day staring into an unknown future.

After GCSE's I saw him a few times, and kept in contact, but more recently I hadn't seen him much, something I now regret very much. When I heard of his death, I was shocked. But I didn't cry, I was shocked and I was sad. I'd lost a friend. After a few hours of thinking about him, I still hadn't shown the signs of someone who'd lost someone they cared so much about.

You see, I've never lost a direct family member, I've never been in a situation where I've had to deal directly with death. I've only ever been to one funeral, and that was a close family friend. I wasn't really old enough to totally understand...

But then, I saw a picture of him, I was dealt part of the blow that was going to come. I was shaken and I nearly fell. Today I was speaking to his girlfriend, I only met her once when I'd bumped into Steve a couple of months ago. I didn't think she'd remember me, but she said this: 'Stevie always said 'Oh, that's where my friend Dominic lives' every time we went near your house'. And that was it, I'm now the closest to tears I have been in years.

I don't quite know weather I've achieved what I set out to achieve by writing this...probably not... But I know this; Steve has given me the strength, through his friendship, to take a step into the unknown with my head held high, with a smile on my face, and with love in my heart.

To Steve.

'I want to fall in love. Big, scary, stupid love.'

It's true, who doesn't?

I project this image of the emotionless, hard-faced cynic. At times, I can be those things, but deep down, I'm yearning for someone to love me, and for someone I can love. At the tender age of 19, I've never had a proper relationship. I've gone through sexual experiences in a less than ideal way. I've never had someone I can experience my 'firsts' with, someone I've felt wholly secure with. Instead, my first gay kiss was with someone I'd only met once, on a log on a public pathway at the age of 16... I was terrified, having no idea what my sexuality was, having no 'security net' at that moment. Then we moved from kissing through the stages, and it was scary. I reacted badly to it, and asked to leave, leaving the poor guy in quite a state, feeling as though he'd done something wrong.

That's the thing about sexuality, there's no manual, there's no rulebook. You're on your own. You're lucky if you find someone who cares about you enough to go at your pace. Sexuality is a complicated thing, finding out you're gay, or suspecting it, for most people is terrifying, well... I found it to be so. I had no one to talk to about it, I had no one to give me advice.

It's got to be said, (not that I was around in these times, but y'know), being gay and discovering who you are sexually is much easier in the 21st Century. With the invention of the WWW you've got thousands of real life cases and accounts at your finger tips. Joining Fitlads (A gay 'dating' website) for the first time at the age of 15, was both a blessing and a curse (More on that later)

I want to fall in love. Crazy love, with someone who pushes my boundaries. Crazy, unexplainable , exciting, unpredictable love, sure it might be the product of hollywood, but it's got to be out there, somewhere... Right?