I project this image of the emotionless, hard-faced cynic. At times, I can be those things, but deep down, I'm yearning for someone to love me, and for someone I can love. At the tender age of 19, I've never had a proper relationship. I've gone through sexual experiences in a less than ideal way. I've never had someone I can experience my 'firsts' with, someone I've felt wholly secure with. Instead, my first gay kiss was with someone I'd only met once, on a log on a public pathway at the age of 16... I was terrified, having no idea what my sexuality was, having no 'security net' at that moment. Then we moved from kissing through the stages, and it was scary. I reacted badly to it, and asked to leave, leaving the poor guy in quite a state, feeling as though he'd done something wrong.
That's the thing about sexuality, there's no manual, there's no rulebook. You're on your own. You're lucky if you find someone who cares about you enough to go at your pace. Sexuality is a complicated thing, finding out you're gay, or suspecting it, for most people is terrifying, well... I found it to be so. I had no one to talk to about it, I had no one to give me advice.
It's got to be said, (not that I was around in these times, but y'know), being gay and discovering who you are sexually is much easier in the 21st Century. With the invention of the WWW you've got thousands of real life cases and accounts at your finger tips. Joining Fitlads (A gay 'dating' website) for the first time at the age of 15, was both a blessing and a curse (More on that later)
I want to fall in love. Crazy love, with someone who pushes my boundaries. Crazy, unexplainable , exciting, unpredictable love, sure it might be the product of hollywood, but it's got to be out there, somewhere... Right?
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