While some elements of this post are philosophical and reflective, others are of a confessional feel. Aspects are ‘Confessions of an older me,’ while others are mantras I need to start living by. I just wanted to put pixel to screen and write what I felt. I’m incredibly proud of the journey I’ve taken and the man I’ve become, although, I look back on point 1 and feel like a little boy again.
1. You might not think it. But it will get better. You will have a bright and promising future.
When I was 15 I fought with depression, or I thought I did. I was fortunate enough that it was mild and that I had an incredible support network... But I ignored it. It was as though any step I took towards development was meaningless in light of the distance I had to travel. It wasn't long before I turned hatred in on myself. I would imagine a world where I wouldn't have to deal with the terrifying thoughts in my head, where I would prove my mortality. Sadistic images began to creep into my mind like a parasite; it attacked the pillars of my stability, weakening me.
Spiralling out of control I couldn't focus on the advice I was getting from someone I reached out to. My coping mechanism wasn't healthy and they advised I spoke to a nurse to ensure I wasn't at danger. The opinion was that I was a danger to myself. Have you ever had a moment where you're paralysed by fear, where white noise encompasses your senses and leaves you numb?
I got through it, although there was a point in my life where I could only ever find happiness in conjuring dark and sick thoughts, I have made it to a place where I am confident and I am happy. I know there are things I am scared of, but I know I can cope with them. I am physically scarred and I am scarred by the memories of something that at the time was more powerful than I was.
I don’t treat my sexuality as a secret any longer. It’s a fact about me, no different from the colour of my hair, the scar on my forehead, or my sense of humour. Someone being offended by my attraction to the male form says more about their prejudices than my sexual orientation. I’m loved by the people I love for everything I am. I won’t waste my time considering all the ways I could wrong people who dislike me.
3. WORK. WORK WORK WORK.
You’ve got an essay in next Tuesday? You’ve got a week, why not start it now? No, you want to start it the night before? Cool. NO. NOT COOL! Sure, you didn’t fail anything and you did ok, but OK? ‘Ok’ won’t get you the job you want when you’re up against ‘exceeding’ or ‘outstanding’. Grades and education didn’t seem like everything… But when I look back on it, all I have from my time at school are some great and some grim memories, and my grades. Memories won’t help me make money, or support a family, or give to charity… Or buy me an Audi R8.
He felt like the best thing to happen to your life? No one ever made you feel so special? Until the day where you welcomed a rain, to clear the air, purge it of your hurt, but mainly to mask the tears he caused. Now, I wasn’t and I’m not naïve enough to believe that it was love, but I could certainly see myself growing to. I remember I was in my best friends kitchen and I said, ‘Do you think my mother would like him?!’ He laughed and said, ‘He hasn’t even shown an interest.’ I wanted to see it so much; I looked for something that was not there. In films, there can be the manipulative, calculated one who knows the right buttons to press and when, not only to get your juices flowing, but to get what he wants. He played the part like a pro.
I’m not cynical enough to believe all men would stab me in the back shortly after flipping me onto it… Or maybe I should be. Guilty until proven innocent might be a good mantra to live by for dating.
5. Love yourself… And lighten up!
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”
Albert Einstein.
