While some elements of this post are philosophical and reflective, others are of a confessional feel. Aspects are ‘Confessions of an older me,’ while others are mantras I need to start living by. I just wanted to put pixel to screen and write what I felt. I’m incredibly proud of the journey I’ve taken and the man I’ve become, although, I look back on point 1 and feel like a little boy again.

I felt as though the strength it took to move wasn’t worth where I was going.

1. You might not think it. But it will get better. You will have a bright and promising future.

When I was 15 I fought with depression, or I thought I did. I was fortunate enough that it was mild and that I had an incredible support network... But I ignored it. It was as though any step I took towards development was meaningless in light of the distance I had to travel. It wasn't long before I turned hatred in on myself. I would imagine a world where I wouldn't have to deal with the terrifying thoughts in my head, where I would prove my mortality. Sadistic images began to creep into my mind like a parasite; it attacked the pillars of my stability, weakening me.

Spiralling out of control I couldn't focus on the advice I was getting from someone I reached out to. My coping mechanism wasn't healthy and they advised I spoke to a nurse to ensure I wasn't at danger. The opinion was that I was a danger to myself. Have you ever had a moment where you're paralysed by fear, where white noise encompasses your senses and leaves you numb?

I got through it, although there was a point in my life where I could only ever find happiness in conjuring dark and sick thoughts, I have made it to a place where I am confident and I am happy. I know there are things I am scared of, but I know I can cope with them. I am physically scarred and I am scarred by the memories of something that at the time was more powerful than I was.

I guess what I’m saying is:

2. It gets better.

Now, I’m more offended by someone who’s right handed than who they find attractive! I’m sure while in our teens, battling with the idea of finding the same sex attractive caused us to act naively. I was no different. I didn’t act on my feelings in the best way, and there was one time where someone threatened to ‘out me.’ Now, I’d end up saying

‘You think they don’t know… Have you seen me mince from club to club after one too many vodkas?!’

I don’t treat my sexuality as a secret any longer. It’s a fact about me, no different from the colour of my hair, the scar on my forehead, or my sense of humour. Someone being offended by my attraction to the male form says more about their prejudices than my sexual orientation. I’m loved by the people I love for everything I am. I won’t waste my time considering all the ways I could wrong people who dislike me.

3. WORK. WORK WORK WORK.

You’ve got an essay in next Tuesday? You’ve got a week, why not start it now? No, you want to start it the night before? Cool. NO. NOT COOL! Sure, you didn’t fail anything and you did ok, but OK? ‘Ok’ won’t get you the job you want when you’re up against ‘exceeding’ or ‘outstanding’. Grades and education didn’t seem like everything… But when I look back on it, all I have from my time at school are some great and some grim memories, and my grades. Memories won’t help me make money, or support a family, or give to charity… Or buy me an Audi R8.

4. If it has a dick, he’ll behave like one too.

He felt like the best thing to happen to your life? No one ever made you feel so special? Until the day where you welcomed a rain, to clear the air, purge it of your hurt, but mainly to mask the tears he caused. Now, I wasn’t and I’m not naïve enough to believe that it was love, but I could certainly see myself growing to. I remember I was in my best friends kitchen and I said, ‘Do you think my mother would like him?!’ He laughed and said, ‘He hasn’t even shown an interest.’ I wanted to see it so much; I looked for something that was not there. In films, there can be the manipulative, calculated one who knows the right buttons to press and when, not only to get your juices flowing, but to get what he wants. He played the part like a pro.

I’m not cynical enough to believe all men would stab me in the back shortly after flipping me onto it… Or maybe I should be. Guilty until proven innocent might be a good mantra to live by for dating.

5. Love yourself… And lighten up!

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”

Albert Einstein.

A cross section of a troubled sexuality.

"Always recognize that human individuals are ends, and do not use them as means to your end. "

Emmanuel Kant.

It's the 21st Century. iPhones, Smartphones and the Internet have revolutionised(?!) gay dating. Or they would have done, had the male mind not been predominantly sexual based. What I mean is, what were once social tools, have now become a means to getting sex. Maybe that's the way their creators always intended them to be used, who knows?! I think you can categorize the majority of people on these sites into the following:

The 'Serial Boyfrienders':

Relationships don't last long, a week, two if they're really 'special'. They have a new boyfriend every week. They're normally seen with 'new meat' hanging from their arm, and their every word.

The 'Serial Boyfriender (The Devoted ones)':

These ones are much like the above, however, every new boyfriend is 'THE ONE.' The name once lovingly tattooed at the top of their arm is now scratched out... they're running out of skin.

The 'Already got a boyfriend, but looking anyway':

These ones already have a boyfriend, sometimes Long Term, their picture won't be their own, it'll be of someone else, probably hotter. Usually the alter-ego would regularly boast that they're with 'the wife', 'the missus', 'The Boy', etc, but would drop them if a better model fluttered their eye-lashes.

The 'Open-Relationship and Three sums':

These ones are making no attempt at hiding that they've got a boyfriend, nor that they are still looking for 'No Strings Fun'. It's a mutual thing they've decided. Let's face it, 2 years of eachothers company can get draining, so let's invite the world and his wife into our bedroom. (Please note: I have nothing against this, no one is getting hurt, and there are no lies.)

The 'Genuine Relationshippers':

I'm not so cynical and embittered that I think these don't exist. They do. They're hiding in plain sight. They're so comfortable with each other that they're not flaunting their love for all to see. They don't buy into clichés, they are who they are, and they love each other for that.

The 'I spend my life on my back, but I'm not a slag':

These ones are sneaky. They'll pretend that they're interested in you for you. You're 'really cool,' 'OMG SO FUNNY!' and they 'LOVE spending time with you.' But only when you're both naked... You go for a drink, you're really enjoying things, telling yourself it's going well... BUT OH NO! You get to his, his clothes dissappear, the moment comes, and you never hear from him again!

The 'I'm old, but I'll still make a move and make you feel uncomfortable':

These guys don't take no for an answer, nor will they take 'I'm sorry, you're not my type, however I hope you find what you're looking for.'

The 'Single':

These guys are single, they hold out hope that there are guys BEYOND the above.

The 'Single Part II':

These guys are happy in their own social circle, they don't mind being single, whatever happens, happens.

I'm sure this has seemed bitter and cynical, however, I've been around for a while. While I like to think I know it all, I certainly don't. I'm wrong. Happiness IS out there, there WILL be a happy ending. Glass isn't just half full, it's spilling over the top... onto that nice doily your mother made you.

If you recognise these traits in yourself, I hope I've not offended you. If you fall under The 'Single' don't let people treat you as a means to an end (to cure their horny-ness.) YOU are an end in yourself.

Live in Hope.

Is the juice worth the squeeze?

I've been trying to decide on whether or not to write this blog or not for some time. I have too much in my head to tweet... But not enough to write a length blog. Quite the conundrum. Anyway, anyone who knows me well enough, or even barely knows me, will know that I can be quite neurotic and high maintenance. I'll over think the smallest details of something that matters to me. Although, now this is what perplexes me, it's normally only in regards to love/lust and men. If I like someone, I'll act in a completely different manner to my usual self. Normally I'm a laid back sorter guy, with few hang-ups. But when I like someone, I'll analyse the amount of kisses on the end of their text, I'll think about all the possible meanings of one of their texts. I drive myself mad doing it, but I cannot help it. It's something that's been with me since I started this 'gay-thing'.

I get attached quite easily. This isn't ever a good thing, as normally, it ends in heartbreak. I'm a romantic sorter guy, with traditional values, I try not to sleep about. When I'm with someone, I won't cheat, etc etc. I don't know why I get attached, but for a while, I enjoy it, I enjoy having someone to miss, having someone to look forward to seeing.

I'm happy to be like this, I can endure the mess that I become, the erratic behaviour and mood swings. I ask my self is the juice worth the squeeze.