Life and Death.

Anyone who follows me on Twitter might have noticed one or two slightly odd tweets earlier on this week. I didn't reveal it on twitter because I've never been one to post R.I.P type tweets. However, I need an outlet, and this seems appropriate...Sort of.

On Saturday 22nd of May 2010, a good friend of mine was involved in a car accident. He didn't make it. He's the oldest friend I have, he has a main part in my first memories. We were inseparable as children. We met before Playschool as my parents and his knew eachother somehow. In Playschool we spent every day together. He went into the year above me at Primary School. My first day came, 'Year 1', and I was terrified, my mother left me there to make my own friends and get on with my education and I was in tears. In his usual manner, he comforted me, and took my fears away, without making me feel stupid for having them.

However, he left soon after that and moved to Spain, we lost touch. He returned in year 10, we became close friends again, and he hadn't changed. His humour was the same, he was the same gentle caring guy, he was the same guy who took my fears away on my first day staring into an unknown future.

After GCSE's I saw him a few times, and kept in contact, but more recently I hadn't seen him much, something I now regret very much. When I heard of his death, I was shocked. But I didn't cry, I was shocked and I was sad. I'd lost a friend. After a few hours of thinking about him, I still hadn't shown the signs of someone who'd lost someone they cared so much about.

You see, I've never lost a direct family member, I've never been in a situation where I've had to deal directly with death. I've only ever been to one funeral, and that was a close family friend. I wasn't really old enough to totally understand...

But then, I saw a picture of him, I was dealt part of the blow that was going to come. I was shaken and I nearly fell. Today I was speaking to his girlfriend, I only met her once when I'd bumped into Steve a couple of months ago. I didn't think she'd remember me, but she said this: 'Stevie always said 'Oh, that's where my friend Dominic lives' every time we went near your house'. And that was it, I'm now the closest to tears I have been in years.

I don't quite know weather I've achieved what I set out to achieve by writing this...probably not... But I know this; Steve has given me the strength, through his friendship, to take a step into the unknown with my head held high, with a smile on my face, and with love in my heart.

To Steve.

'I want to fall in love. Big, scary, stupid love.'

It's true, who doesn't?

I project this image of the emotionless, hard-faced cynic. At times, I can be those things, but deep down, I'm yearning for someone to love me, and for someone I can love. At the tender age of 19, I've never had a proper relationship. I've gone through sexual experiences in a less than ideal way. I've never had someone I can experience my 'firsts' with, someone I've felt wholly secure with. Instead, my first gay kiss was with someone I'd only met once, on a log on a public pathway at the age of 16... I was terrified, having no idea what my sexuality was, having no 'security net' at that moment. Then we moved from kissing through the stages, and it was scary. I reacted badly to it, and asked to leave, leaving the poor guy in quite a state, feeling as though he'd done something wrong.

That's the thing about sexuality, there's no manual, there's no rulebook. You're on your own. You're lucky if you find someone who cares about you enough to go at your pace. Sexuality is a complicated thing, finding out you're gay, or suspecting it, for most people is terrifying, well... I found it to be so. I had no one to talk to about it, I had no one to give me advice.

It's got to be said, (not that I was around in these times, but y'know), being gay and discovering who you are sexually is much easier in the 21st Century. With the invention of the WWW you've got thousands of real life cases and accounts at your finger tips. Joining Fitlads (A gay 'dating' website) for the first time at the age of 15, was both a blessing and a curse (More on that later)

I want to fall in love. Crazy love, with someone who pushes my boundaries. Crazy, unexplainable , exciting, unpredictable love, sure it might be the product of hollywood, but it's got to be out there, somewhere... Right?